May 23 2013 - The help
I had drafted this before Mother's Day, but only got around to finishing it today... kind of fitting I think. Perhaps I will farm out the writing of my own blog :)
With Mother’s Day almost upon us, many of us with either be singing the praises of the women who raised us, or being sung to. The cards gush with sentiments we don’t always think (and rarely say), and everyone gets along for one day to make mom happy.
We often praise moms as super-heros leaping tall piles of laundry with a single bound, child strapped to her back while carrying a hammer to fix that back step. And while I’m not disagreeing with this idea (everyone looks great in a cape) I want you to know we don’t - OR AT LEAST SHOULDN’T - do it all on our own.
A successful business person knows how to delegate. They know when to get their hands dirty and when to leave the details to others. And families really shouldn’t be much different. Being a parent is often overwhelming. If someone told me about the number of decisions I’d need to make EVERY SINGLE DAY just to keep my family safe, healthy and sane I would have run screaming. My solution? Delegate/simplify and let go. And most important, don’t feel guilty about it.
Some ideas on how you could do this:
Yes, I know, almost all of these cost money. But being worn out and getting sick costs you (and society for lost productivity). Making poor decisions because you are at your wits end trying to fit it all in can cost you too. And, there are always things you don’t get to, things that don’t have a price but do have a worth. So work within your budget and see where you can make the most of your help. Perhaps try and come up with a payoff scale (math again, sorry).
Example:
See all those "other things"? They are all valuable, but likely not things you get to because you don’t have time. I'm OK paying $15 an hour for my sanity and I'm able to afford it so I do.
So don’t be afraid to ask for help or to use it when offered. In the meantime, wear your cape with pride!
With Mother’s Day almost upon us, many of us with either be singing the praises of the women who raised us, or being sung to. The cards gush with sentiments we don’t always think (and rarely say), and everyone gets along for one day to make mom happy.
We often praise moms as super-heros leaping tall piles of laundry with a single bound, child strapped to her back while carrying a hammer to fix that back step. And while I’m not disagreeing with this idea (everyone looks great in a cape) I want you to know we don’t - OR AT LEAST SHOULDN’T - do it all on our own.
A successful business person knows how to delegate. They know when to get their hands dirty and when to leave the details to others. And families really shouldn’t be much different. Being a parent is often overwhelming. If someone told me about the number of decisions I’d need to make EVERY SINGLE DAY just to keep my family safe, healthy and sane I would have run screaming. My solution? Delegate/simplify and let go. And most important, don’t feel guilty about it.
Some ideas on how you could do this:
- Make a chore list for kids (and husband, I swear, it works)
- Hire a cleaning person
- Put kids in daycare, if only part time
- Buy the occasional pre-made dinner
- Subscribe to consumer research sites to help you find the best car/washing machine/cell phone/etc. (unless you really love it, hours of research is not the best use of your time)
- Find a buddy family and trade off dinner or evening child care duties with them
- Buy the birthday cake instead of spending all day making one
Yes, I know, almost all of these cost money. But being worn out and getting sick costs you (and society for lost productivity). Making poor decisions because you are at your wits end trying to fit it all in can cost you too. And, there are always things you don’t get to, things that don’t have a price but do have a worth. So work within your budget and see where you can make the most of your help. Perhaps try and come up with a payoff scale (math again, sorry).
Example:
- hire weekly cleaning person - $60
- time that work would have taken you - 4 hours
- other things you can do in those 4 hours - fix that back step, take kids to the park, make banana bread, read a magazine with your feet up
See all those "other things"? They are all valuable, but likely not things you get to because you don’t have time. I'm OK paying $15 an hour for my sanity and I'm able to afford it so I do.
So don’t be afraid to ask for help or to use it when offered. In the meantime, wear your cape with pride!
FEb 10 2013 - Striving for mediocrity
A wise friend reminded me the other day that as a mother you can’t be good at everything (despite what the blogs and books may suggest) but that the best we can hope for is mediocrity at most things. And really, when it comes down to it, that is the best goal isn’t it? We used to be busy people when we only had to care for ourselves, now we have all these little bodies to clothe, feed, clean up after and tuck into bed AND still, occasionally, look after ourselves... how is it even possible to have time for [insert desired perfections here, eg. organic meals, hospital corners on the bed sheets, 3 year old children who read in 2 languages]?! Its just not. So stop beating yourself up and enjoy the middle ground. Here are some examples of my mediocrity, just to help you get started in feeling good about your "good enough":
So for all the moms out there, you don’t need to be super in the eyes of the Perfect Mom Police, you just need to be super in the eyes of your family. And trust me, while a 5 year old (girl) will recognize when you are wearing "nice clothes" (i.e. when you plan to go and socialize with adults who are doing something other than dropping kids off at school), she will not remember that you took 2 months to hang that new photo or served the same meal 2 weeks in a row. So stop fretting over their development and spend time playing with them, listening to their extremely long, complicated, non-sensical stories, hug them lots and tell them you love them. After that, the rest is gravy (covered laundry). :)
- My kids don’t eat organically grown food from our backyard but they don’t live on McDonalds or Fruit Loops either
- The laundry gets done but it takes 3 days before I can get it upstairs, sorted and put away in the proper drawers
- The house is tidy, but it is not clean. I will not need to move piles of belongings for you to sit on my couch when you visit but you may find a Cheerio or 3 under the seat cushion.
- My kids watch TV but way less than the 6 (or was it 7?!) hours that some survey cited as the national average (I still have trouble understanding this... don’t they eat, sleep or go to school?!).
- I have a hair-stylist, dentist, doctor, gym and naturopath but I’m long overdue to visit all of them.
So for all the moms out there, you don’t need to be super in the eyes of the Perfect Mom Police, you just need to be super in the eyes of your family. And trust me, while a 5 year old (girl) will recognize when you are wearing "nice clothes" (i.e. when you plan to go and socialize with adults who are doing something other than dropping kids off at school), she will not remember that you took 2 months to hang that new photo or served the same meal 2 weeks in a row. So stop fretting over their development and spend time playing with them, listening to their extremely long, complicated, non-sensical stories, hug them lots and tell them you love them. After that, the rest is gravy (covered laundry). :)
jan 12 2013 - regent park aquatic centre
I live in a big interesting city (Toronto, Canada) that has lots of things to see and do and most of them are easy to get to and a lot are free or relatively cheap. I should be enjoying them. My kids should be enjoying them. So out into the streets we go!
Both kids love the water. Bella is on her 4th session of lessons in the last 6 months and I can only pry Noah out of the bath if there is warm milk or a (stuffed) tiger involved. So I thought we'd visit a recently opened indoor pool this weekend.
Full pool details can be found here: http://www.toronto.ca/parks/prd/facilities/complex/2012/index.htm Leisure swim on the weekend is Saturday from 1:30 to 5. Adults $2, kids $1.
Very nice pool - warm enough, lots of gear and toys for the kids (life jackets, noodles, flutter boards, watering cans, toy boats etc!), nice areas for all levels of swimmers, loungers etc. and it wasn’t too crowded. For older kids there is a slide and rope to swing over/into the pool. The staff were friendly and helpful and the building was clean and stylishly new.
Two things I’m not sold on were the unisex change rooms (yes, really!) and the amount of glass in the building. The unisex change rooms I guess are for families with both genders of kids that you don’t want to send off on their own? There were stalls to change in, of course, but it was something I had not seen before. As for the glass... I guess it cuts down on lighting costs? But you can literally see from one side of the building to the other from the outside. So through the hall, into the change room, with the pool beyond that and then the outside again on the far side of the pool. I guess the glass also helps remind you that while in the unisex change room you really need to change in the little stalls?
Overall, it was a good place to go for cheap fun so we’ll be back.
Both kids love the water. Bella is on her 4th session of lessons in the last 6 months and I can only pry Noah out of the bath if there is warm milk or a (stuffed) tiger involved. So I thought we'd visit a recently opened indoor pool this weekend.
Full pool details can be found here: http://www.toronto.ca/parks/prd/facilities/complex/2012/index.htm Leisure swim on the weekend is Saturday from 1:30 to 5. Adults $2, kids $1.
Very nice pool - warm enough, lots of gear and toys for the kids (life jackets, noodles, flutter boards, watering cans, toy boats etc!), nice areas for all levels of swimmers, loungers etc. and it wasn’t too crowded. For older kids there is a slide and rope to swing over/into the pool. The staff were friendly and helpful and the building was clean and stylishly new.
Two things I’m not sold on were the unisex change rooms (yes, really!) and the amount of glass in the building. The unisex change rooms I guess are for families with both genders of kids that you don’t want to send off on their own? There were stalls to change in, of course, but it was something I had not seen before. As for the glass... I guess it cuts down on lighting costs? But you can literally see from one side of the building to the other from the outside. So through the hall, into the change room, with the pool beyond that and then the outside again on the far side of the pool. I guess the glass also helps remind you that while in the unisex change room you really need to change in the little stalls?
Overall, it was a good place to go for cheap fun so we’ll be back.
Jan 11 2013 - Be Present
I am the world's best busy body. No, I don't mean the meddling kind (at least I hope that's not how I'm perceived!) but I am really good at being busy. I'm always working on something, or planning something or trying to squeeze in just one more thing. I need to be in the moment more. I guess I'm always thinking I'll get to the part of the day where I'm "done all the things" and then I'll go out or do something fun with the kids, but it never seems to happen. I'm constantly preparing for the future. It might be 2 hours from now, or it may be 2 weeks or months away, but I always seem to find something to busy myself with that does not need to be done right now. Don't get me wrong, most (some?) of it needs to be done but very little of it is actually pressing. I guess I'm just built that way - get it done, get it out of the way... to be filled with something else of course! And because I'm constantly behaving this way I say no to things like playing with my kids (horrible mom!) or watching a movie with my husband (bad wife!) or going for a drink with a friend (poor girl, has to drink alone!).
Of all the things I want to change this year, this might be the hardest of them all. But I'm willing to try because all we have is today. All we have is the here and now. Whatever I'm preparing for, might not even happen. And in the meantime I'm missing precious time with the ones I love the most. So I'm going to try and ask myself some key questions when the kids/husband/friend are looking for my attention:
- Will someone go hungry/naked/unpaid if I stop what I'm doing right now?
- Will I be breaking a promise to someone if I stop my busying thing?
- Will someone feel hardship if I don't get back to my current task until later/tomorrow/next week?
If the answer to all of these is "no" then I should stop and give my full attention to the ones who want to be with me. The flip side of this of course is carving out some time for me to do the things I want to do but that's for a later post :)
Of all the things I want to change this year, this might be the hardest of them all. But I'm willing to try because all we have is today. All we have is the here and now. Whatever I'm preparing for, might not even happen. And in the meantime I'm missing precious time with the ones I love the most. So I'm going to try and ask myself some key questions when the kids/husband/friend are looking for my attention:
- Will someone go hungry/naked/unpaid if I stop what I'm doing right now?
- Will I be breaking a promise to someone if I stop my busying thing?
- Will someone feel hardship if I don't get back to my current task until later/tomorrow/next week?
If the answer to all of these is "no" then I should stop and give my full attention to the ones who want to be with me. The flip side of this of course is carving out some time for me to do the things I want to do but that's for a later post :)